GIRLS: New Season, New Wit


GIRLS premiered on Sunday night with not one, but two new episodes of captivating sexual unclarity and misguided love. As expected, Lena Dunham really delivers. Normally I would unveil the episodes in their entirety because most of you don’t watch the show and/or don’t have HBO, but luckily for you, Lena (the god of all that is uncomfortable television and remarkable wit) has decided to air the shows on Youtube, link here.

So with the knowledge that you will be so wholly consumed by the idea of GIRLS that you will watch episode 1, I will share with you my top fifteen favorite quotes from the premiering episodes so that you can:

  1. Save them in the notes on your iPhone for inspiration
  2. Pass them off as your own very original and creative thoughts when talking to your friends or
  3. Grab décor stencils and a large paint brush and delicately map them out across your walls (the most likely and obvious choice)


“This rocking chair is so pointy it’s not giving me any room to express myself.”

“I just, ugh, I’m so sick of crying because this whole situation makes no sense. I mean, we bought the ingredients to make grilled pizzas and we were going to make grilled pizzas and the day we were supposed to do that, he left me. On what f*cking planet does that make any sense?”

“Adam was there with you when you went batsh*t insane and decided to cut your hair like a little boy on a fancy cookie box.”

“It made me remember what it was like in college when you’d say, ‘Oh, meet me at the Free Palestine party,’ then I’d find out you’re over at the Israel house. And so I just wish you would get it that this is not ok behavior for a friend.”


“I’m starting to recognize that while I am a victim of circumstances, I have a sickness that someone else gave to me. And when I remember that, I don’t want to huff lighter fluid anymore.”

“I sort of feel like Charlie’s going to just materialize in a couple of months in some random f*ckin’ hospital, and he’s gonna turn out to be one of those people who has a brain tumor that makes him crazy like that dude who had a tumor that made him a pedophile. And then once they like, medically remove it, or whatever, he’s gonna go back to being normal.

“You’re not gonna get any milk out of those tits.”

“You know, I think I’m doing really good. I haven’t done drugs, I’ve made some friends, some really ugly friends, and I don’t even mind.”


“No wonder truckers do cocaine, this is boring as hell.”

“My friend Rachel is fully addicted to blueberry Red Bull and she always tells me she *hasn’t had one* and she tells me like, with a blue tongue.”

“I gave you my middle name…Marie…because it has a legacy of strength and independence.”

“Basically it’s been a very sexually adventurous time for me. I’m alternating nights of freedom with nights of academic focus. So at the end of my senior year I will have had both experiences while also still being super well prepared for the professional world.”


Adam: “I don’t hate your friends I’m just not interested in anything that they have to say.”
Hannah: “I’m not interested in anything they have to say, that’s not the point of friendship.”

Jessa: “Ok lets talk about Mindy Methface over here. Mindy enjoys wearing scrunchies. No one has addressed that.”
Mindy: “Scrunchies? I’ve never worn a f-cking scrunchie in my life.”
Jessa: “You want to wear them, though.”

And while you digest those and start painting, you should google image Charlie and paint him to your wall as well, because he isn’t on this season and it’s just incredibly sad. Especially because Adam and Ray are barf. Sorry.