So hey, it’s pretty f*cking cold out.
I kindly apologize for the language but under these circumstances even my fingers cannot be controlled and limited to formal speech. Being from a particularly wintry town like Milwaukee WI, one would think that I am accustomed to the cold and therefore immune to the surprise of a thirty-four degree day like today. However at the very moment I type this, my limbs are literally turning into glacial matter and breaking off my body.
These sub zero temperatures are going to be the death of any of us who have a GPA to maintain and are expected to study under such conditions. I advise us all to either ditch our entire regiment of classes completely in an effort to stay alive, or move to the Bahamas—Paradise Island—not to be confused with any other part of the Bahamas.
At our house our utility bill is a dollar amount similar in number to the US national debt, so turning on the heat is a very real battle. Fortunately, I’m going to give us all one more thing (or 5) to do to fight this miserable chill. And it’s only November, you guys. What will we do come December? Oh, my ice-cube leg just shattered from the thought.
- If you have a coupon crazy dad like I have, all you have to do is go into your cabinet and grab the cans of “beef soup” (I put this in quotes because it’s easier for me to think of the term “beef soup” as an idea rather than an actual thing) that you never intended to eat and heat them up for dinner. Its beef soup so like, gross, but it will make you toasty and warm because it’s soup and that’s what soup does.
- You can light all of the decorative candles you have around your room and put them next to your bed for warmth. It will be like a smallish, overwhelmingly scented fireplace, I promise. In a good way, if you have complementary scented candles, which—duh.
- You can take a steamy shower for the rest of eternity and never come out unless someone in your house brings home doughnuts.
- You know those fluffy booties that aunties always buy you? Put those on, wrap yourself in your favorite blanket or bathrobe, and play ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ on repeat until your mind, like your body, goes indefinitely numb.
- I’m not telling you to jump in your oven and close the door, but if that’s what it takes…
Sub zero temperatures are no joke. And if you are even a slightly dramatic person, these temps can push you to your limit. Trying one of these will save you from a certain icy death and, well, a money related stroke. Mom thinks I should just turn my heat up, but what do parents honestly know about things like this?
The most likely scenario for yours truly is going to my best friend’s house, turning up their heat as high as it goes, and when it gets perfectly sauna-esque in there and they ask who basically brought their home to the fiery pits of hell, I’ll practice the “Three D’s” and deny deny deny while I kick back in my bikini and turn on Sex and the City.