I know the question you’re inevitably asking. And the answer is NO, the Kardashian-Jenners are not the only humans on Earth who are allowed to alliterate their names, ok?
So remember last week when I said “ONE MORE THING KP RETURNS: TOMORROW” and then One More Thing KP did not return “tomorrow?” Well f-ck off because I never do anything I say I will. Trust, you will learn. Anyway, I’m just going to get right into it, but not before saying how thrilled I am to be blogging again! The future for OMTKP is a vast and exciting one and I am absolutely elated to share this journey of growth and positivity with you all. Just kidding. Here we go.
Cleansing sucks, let’s be real about it. This post may have “TMI” written all over it, but I honestly don’t care that you are threatened by “inappropriate” topics like bodily waste elimination. Prudes. Summer is HERE and one more thing (you know the drill) you can do to bounce right in to tip top beach body shape, is start a fantastic cleanse.
Now, I rarely ever visit a bathroom, a regular challenge in my day-to-day life. It is especially a challenge since I have the type of friends that group chat me about their bathroom experiences on a daily basis. And I wish they knew better than to have these conversations right in front of me because gross, because yuck, because obvious painful jealousy.
As you know, since you all have obviously read and studied my blog on getting fit (LOL), I have an obscene love for the Trader Joe’s Total Body Cleanse. However, because I do it so frequently, (not doctor recommended but I’ve worked in a hospital for over a month now so I’m basically a doctor and trust my own doctoral opinion that it’s fine) it has really messed up my colon in ways that I refuse to explain and I may have permanent damage only reparable by surgery. Pissed.
With that, I’ve decided to part ways with my Trader Joe’s Cleanse entirely and try something new and fresh! My first thought was to go on a very strict diet of sushi and sushi alone for thirty days. I don’t think that’s a real diet, but again, basically a doctor here. Hello, are you getting me?
It quickly hit me, however, that the idea was heinous. I once read that too much fish can give you lead poisoning. Actually I think its mercury poisoning. Whatever, I’m not doing it. So I went to Whole Foods, picked up a spicy shrimp tempura crunch roll (just one) and consulted the girls who smell like steamed vegetables in the supplement department to help me find the cleanse of my dreams.
And oh have I found it! It isn’t a full body cleanse, because you can’t drink alcohol while taking those…and it’s summertime…so they are obviously off the table until at least after Labor Day. This one is called The Diet Start Cleanse, a horrible name because it implies I’m going to start some type of real diet and I’m so- not about that after that whole botched sushi idea. But it’s mainly for your colon and digestive system and I am definitely about that.
I can’t wait to give you a play-by-play of the ways that my body is stimulated after this fourteen day program, although I think we all know it’s a safe bet that when I’m through I will be actually perfect–I’m so so happy about it! And frankly, I haven’t been this happy since I got a Snapchat of bears making out yesterday. Do you cleanse? Have you tried this and loved or hated it? Do you think the Whole Foods employees that work in the supplement section always smell like steamed vegetables, too? Tell me.
I want to close this with a very inspiring and radiant truth quoted directly from the mouth of Gandhi. And that is:
Gandhi didn’t actually say that, you idiot.