OH screw you. I’m not perfect, and neither are you. So don’t mock me by thinking that you’re actually going to learn a good recipe for jalapeno poppers here. I’m going to tell you how to not make them and in turn, you can learn from my mistakes, my story, and my truth. I’ll try to tell you how to fix them, too, but I just can’t promise you that, alright?
I suffered my latest birthday this past August and at the age of twenty-two, I am officially elderly; I’m practically dust in the wind. I decided that if I am most likely going to die of heart disease or old age in the coming couple of years, I should probably check “learning how to cook” off my bucket list before I am carried off to the angels.
So I looked up a few recipes for Jalapeno Poppers. There weren’t any that spoke my exact being, so I took bits and pieces from the ones I liked and rolled with them. I’m guessing that these treats aren’t the um, healthiest? And will indefinitely clog your arteries? But I just told you that I’m old and old people deserve to indulge on the things that make them happy, and calories do that for me. So here is One More Thing you can make for your friends, family, and cute guys this Fall, but I want you to read all of the directions first, BEFORE you start or look at the ingredients, because I’m going to give you a couple of choices according to my mistakes/successes. Just, just trust me.
Like, 15-20 Jalapeno Poppers
1 Pack of Cream Cheese
2/3 Cup Shredded Cheddar Cheese
1 Pack of Bacon, your choice on the cut
2.5 Tablespoons of Freshly Chopped Chives
1/4 Teaspoon of Chili Powder
1/4 Teaspoon of Garlic Salt (or to taste, I know I used more)
1 “Gnarly Dollop” of Sour Cream
1 Cup of Shredded Lettuce
1 Strong Brandy Old Fashioned
Pair of Glasses
2 Plastic Ziploc Bags
The extras (depending on which route you choose):
If Breading: 3 Eggs, Panko Bread Crumbs
If Wrapping: Toothpicks
- First and most importantly, take a large sip of your drink because you’re going to need it when cleaning out these peppers..
- Put your glasses on–and if you don’t wear glasses you may be screwed (!!!) because scraping out the seeds is going to hurt your eyes–so figure that out, cut the tops and bottoms off the peppers, then slice them in half.
- Put each of your hands in a Ziploc bag. They will act as your cheap, disposable gloves so that you won’t burn your little bingers while cutting the hot peppers. Aw. Then under your sink faucet, scrape out all of the seeds and veins using a spoon. When you think it’s clean, give it a good rinse until they all look like this:
- It’s time for you to make “The Bacon Decision.” Do you want to stuff your peppers with bacon bits or do you want to wrap your peppers in bacon? I have done both, and have got to admit I like the peppers *wrapped* in bacon as opposed to stuffing. But it’s a personal choice, I played with and respect both decisions. If you want to stuff it, cook your bacon in a pan until crispy and wait for further instruction. If wrapping, just make sure your bacon is thawed.
- Pre-heat your oven to 375°F.
- Finely chop your chives. Take another sip of your drink. Make it two.
- Combine in a mixing bowl: your cream cheese, shredded cheese, garlic salt, and chili powder.
*If you are stuffing the peppers with bacon, you’ll want to chop up your slices into bits in a food processor, then add to the cream cheese mixture.
*If you are wrapping them in bacon, just wait, ok? Jesus.
- Fill in pepper half with the filling mixture. Use a spoon or be super chic and use a piping bag. I’ll never tell you which of the two I used, so don’t ask.
*If you are wrapping, soak a handful of toothpicks in a bowl of water, to prevent them from burning in the oven. Refer to Step 9.
*If you are stuffing, get a bowl out for your eggs and a second bowl out for your breading. Refer to Step 10.
- You’re probably fat on the inside, but you don’t have to be fat on the outside. So cut the bacon in HALF. Then wrap a half around each pepper, secure with two toothpicks at each end, and place on your pan. CUTE. Skip Step 10, please.
- Drink, your mission is slightly harder than the others’. Then, create an egg wash by whisking the eggs together. Dredge each pepper in the egg wash on both sides, coat in the breadcrumbs that you’ve placed in a separate bowl, and set on your pan.
- Pop those puppies in the oven and bake for 30 minutes. Have another sip, you’re almost done!
- Drinkl mre. Yoir’ done nw. Relzx a little.e
- Just kidding. You’re a Potts Chef now, you absolutely can’t get drunk on the job. But like, you can drink a little. Maybe a little more than a little. Fine, get drunk, I don’t care. But not before you prepare a bed of shredded lettuce and place your gnarly dollop of sour cream on top, as to be used for dipping.
In the end they should either look like this:
I really hope you enjoyed this. I didn’t enjoy creating it, because I ruined the first two batches and that’s a lot for my ego to take. But so as the caterpillar blossoms into a monarch, so have I blossomed into the chef I am today, one who can help you on your journey to culinary greatness. But if you find that in trying this recipe, you have failed as I have in the past …
Cry. Then throw them out. Do it now, before you have to be rushed to the hospital for a popper related depression attack. Then call up your friend Danielle and tell her you’re going to need her to make a double batch of her jalapeno popper dip with tiny bagels and you’re going to need it all STAT.