It’s amazing how much can go on in a day, right? From my perspective: I have homework, dogs to let out, errands to run for my dad because he needs to feed all of the woodland animals on the entire block, staring at my phone and patiently waiting for “The Bartender” to text me, answering at least twelve calls from my friends who want to “vent” about boyfriends, best friends, and work drama (or to tell me they just found really good gluten-free pretzels). Like, how does one deal with all of that?
From a more global perspective, there are so many things that we as citizens of the world are held responsible to know, and there is seriously no way for all of us to keep up. We could watch TV on a continuous spree, switching between ESPN, local news, E! news, and Dr. Phil. We could pick up a newspaper. We could stalk the trending hashtags on Twitter but, ew? There is one more thing you can do to get your weekly dose of pop culture news, though, and that is to look to your favorite blog of choice *wink* to catch up on the quick snippets of glory that are going on around the world. You can count on me lovers and freaks. I am unquestionably biased so if that’s not what you’re looking for, vamoose with you. But you’re here, I’m here, we all love what’s going on here. So read on.
In Celebrity News
- George Clooney is married. It hurts to type that sentence out because I thought that two commitment-phobes like him and I could really make it work together, but fine. At least that’s the only shocking news in the celebrity world this week…
- Oh wait. Blake Lively is pregnant with Ryan Reynolds’ baby. God! George is gone. Gosling is gone. Now Ryan Reynolds is gone? So shitty, you guys.
- In horrible, heartbreaking news, Reverend Camden (Stephen Collins) from 7th Heaven is evidently an admitted sex offender. THAT SERIOUSLY IS SO AWFUL and I am like, praying it’s not true? But TMZ allegedly has a voice recorded confession from him so it’s…probably true? Unsure, unclear, unhappy.
- Ryan Cabrera is still alive. I know that’s not really news, but I heard his 2004 single “On The Way Down” on the radio yesterday and I seriously forgot he was ever a person. So just FYI, he’s not dead if you ever thought he was.
- Zosia Mamet has dyed her hair platinum this week and looks like a corpse. Super scary. Sorry. No. I’m not sorry.
- Amanda Bynes is probably going to jail. She recently broke her parole after a DUI in 2012 by…getting another DUI. Seriously. This comes just two weeks after the parental conservatorship over her ended. Should have never left Moody’s Point…
- New Jersey Real Housewife, Teresa Giudice, has been sentenced to fifteen months in prison for conspiracy and bank fraud charges. Her husband Joe has forty-one months. Hopefully she can share a cell with Piper and Alex? Praying for her.
- Brady Hoke (the head coach of Michigan football) is an idiot. He’s definitely not the only idiot on the coaching staff and is not single-handedly responsible for the mistakes made in the concussion controversy over Shane Morris, but he’s still an idiot.
- My fantasy team “Kiley’s In CanKuhn” is kicking ass. Yeah, I lost pretty majorly this week, so what? I did have one week of ass kicking and that is all I am choosing to focus on.
- I have two points in Louisville news which I will consolidate into one Louisville bullet.
+ A man after my own heart, Teddy Bridgewater–former Louisville quarterback–is back at practice for the Vikings after a bad ankle injury. He’s set to play this week against the Lions. We’re rooting for you Teddy! Just not rooting too hard, because the Vikings are garbage.
+ Russ Smith with the newly named New Orleans Pelicans (???) played a sold out KFC Yum Center with a 98-86 win over the Miami Heat. IN RUSS WE TRUST. I’m a proud Cardinal, as always.
- Eric Decker is still, undoubtedly, the hottest guy in the NFL. In sports. In life.
- Number one ranked Alabama was upset this week by the Mississippi Rebels. Do we care? Yeah I guess I do, Roll Tide.
In The Arts
- The most looked forward to movies of the week “Gone Girl” and “Annabelle” are officially in theaters. I still haven’t read the book version of “Gone Girl” and “The Conjuring” was just way, way–did you hear me I said WAY–too scary for me to see this “Annabelle” nonsense. But you should probably see them both and tell me how they are.
Sidenote: I should get some kind of award for having to sort through the HORROR-ible pictures in order to find an “Annabelle” poster without her scary, terrifying face. I won’t sleep tonight, so come snuggle with me plz.
- Lena Dunham’s new book “Not That Kind of Girl” just came out in hard cover and IT IS SO GOOD. Buy it, read it, love it, become it, then report back.
- J.K. Rowling released a very cryptic anagram tweet yesterday. The original anagram:
After thousands had made their guesses, she revealed that the tweet meant, “Newt Scamander only meant to stay in New York for a few hours’. But millions of fans found another message in the anagram which reads, “Harry returns! Won’t say any details now. A week off. No comment.” Could Harry be back in our lives? I HOPE SO OMG.
Are you guys for real? You know I would never go there. Although I will briefly mention that during an event held by Joe Biden at Harvard University this week, a student introduced himself as the vice president of the University and Joe kindly said, “Isn’t it a bitch? This vice president thing?”
In Health and Wellness
- A woman in Columbia was rushed to the hospital this week after her mother convinced her to shove a potato up her vagina in an ill-fated attempt to prevent unwanted pregnancy. I’m sorry, what? The potato had literally germinated and grown roots inside of her because, because well, potatoes just don’t belong up there. You might be asking, “IS THIS GIRL OK?!” Yeah. Doctors say she’s fine now, but is she really fine? Because no “fine” person would ever do something so inherently stupid. If I were her mother I would force my potato laden daughter into psychiatric evaluation, and sign myself right up with her.
- According to Dr. Oz, we shouldn’t eat wheat bread. Just the thought of eating wheat bread makes me irate, so this doesn’t really affect me, but according to science it is cancer causing and you should be eating your sandwiches on rye instead. Sorry Dr. Oz, I’m not buying it. Get it? Like, I’m not “buying” it because I don’t believe it and also, I’m f*cking not buying rye bread, it’s sick.
- Ebola. You know about it, please don’t make me get into it here. Thomas Duncan, the man in Dallas with the first case of Ebola on American soil has died as of this morning. This is just one of thousands on a global scale and it’s scary. Hug your loved ones tight tonight, but not if they have Ebola.
After learning all of this, may we all be little wiser as we tread off into the world today. I hope this has really allowed you to become one with the current events taking place in popular culture, and I pray that you didn’t suffer a corneal abrasion from seeing the horribly edited picture of me in a news anchor’s body.
KP, The Anchor
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