Chapter Two: Tragedy Strikes – I Blocked My Future Boyfriend
“Although it is difficult to see beyond the sorrow, may looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.” –Unknown
“Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face – I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.” –Nicholas Sparks
So a few days ago I’m on Tinder, tindering around. And I find out that so and so likes the Badgers and Joe Schmo goes out on Water Street so we like, totally have so much in common. Zzzzzzz…I was over it.
I tried so hard to be interested in these guys and yet, found myself infinitely more interested in the grilled cheese I was eating or, I don’t know, the idea of watching paint dry. But then there was this one guy…
Get. (Pause.) This you guys.
He was a baseball player, almost went to Louisville but was recruited elsewhere. Which, I don’t know if you know me at all, but is my kind of man. Because Louisville Baseball players are the sexiest breed of men on this EARTH I’m not kidding. And even almost being one is more appealing than not ever trying to be one at all, you know?
So we’re connecting, we’re talking sports, fishing, Kentucky, Wisconsin, Saz’s platters…all of my favorite things in life with the important exception of Givenchy’s latest S/S collection. And once we started tindering around together for a few days, I had finally found a normal guy worth talking to. Finally I could report back to my people that Tinder could actually work, maybe. Finally, I had found the tinder ignited flame of my dreams!
And then “it” happened.
I was driving through the parking lot of Alterra (I’m sorry, Colectivo–that name change is so stupid) and had just messaged him something about Louisville being the greatest and, had he only chosen to play baseball at UofL, I could have been his cheerleader and we could have had little babies wearing little Louisville onesies and taught them the CARDS chant together…
Just kidding I didn’t say that I’m not insane. I’m pretty sure it was something about Louisville, though. Anyway, as I’m clicking out of Tinder because I don’t text and drive (see, Mom!), I DROP my iPhone and it clanks on the cup holder. Whatever; no crack, no big deal. But something was terribly, terribly wrong. My Tinder window was still up and my future boyfriend was nowhere to be found. I stared at my screen hoping that it was just frozen, or that it was loading, or that I had temporarily lost my vision.
No. No wait. NO! NO SERIOUSLY WAIT! *Shriek screams* WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?
I’m sobbing hysterically after recanting this story. I blocked him, I honest to God blocked him. Well actually, my cup holder blocked him, which is just so much worse. I obviously did something super awful with cup holders in a past life and am being punished, it’s the only explanation. I spent hours trying to undo what I had done and have since exhausted all means to ever get him unblocked, and by that I mean, I Google searched “how to unblock someone on Tinder” and found the results confusing and unclear so I gave up and went on Pinterest.
So the search for my perfect man rages on and I’m SUPER ANNOYED with the fact that I will never talk to my soul mate again. Until then I will spend my time reciting the carefully chosen quotes above until I can successfully go on Tinder again. I mean I’ll probably go on tonight. Anyone know a single, smart, cute, honest, emotionally mature, gentle-but-not-all-the-time, sincere, driven, funny, Mario-Kart-playing, hard-working, family oriented, bourbon drinking, kind and kissable Louisville baseball player? Call me.
Amazingly cute photo credit: http://www.corythorne.com/