You didn’t think I was done, did you? Can you BELIEVE it?! I am so happy and proud to announce that for once, I have kept my word and we now have week TWO of the new and beloved Weekly News Update series. And boy do we have a jam-packed post full of NEWS for you today, guys. I have taken a seriously gorgeous picture of myself and my fellow anchors just for the occasion (see above).
This week in pop culture and celebrity news, there is kind of an absurd amount of famous people publicly bashing fellow famous people, which I am sad about but secretly love. The SHADE, you guys. It’s unreal. I’ll get there. But first…
- Cowboy’s running back Joseph Randle was arrested this week for stealing Gucci cologne and a two pack of underwear from a store in Texas. I mean…
- The Packers beat Miami with a touchdown pass to Quarless in the final six seconds of the game. Magical! Too bad I was busy pouting because I accidentally kept Giovani Bernard on my Fantasy bench and he played an INSANE game against Carolina. You know what, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Not today, not ever.
- Speaking of Carolina, WR Kelvin Benjamin literally didn’t know it was possible to tie in the NFL, and learned the hard way after Carolina ended their game with Cincinnati in a tie last Sunday. This doesn’t bother me like it bothers everyone else. It isn’t his job to know every rule in the NFL, it’s his job to catch the football. Don’t you people know anything?
- Ummm so I guess a huge congrats (?) goes out to Jesse Wall who just won the … North American Wife Carrying Competition? What is going on? Why does this exist? Is this the apocalypse? As his prize, he won his wife’s weight in beer and five times her weight in cash. I hope, for his sake at least, it was Spotted Cow.
- Louisville’s Defense WAS RANKED NUMBER ONE IN THE NATION *STATISTICALLY* THIS WEEK. SO SUCK ON THAT EVERYONE! Sorry for screaming.
- Kansas City won Wednesday night against the Baltimore Orioles, sending them to the World Series and they are playing absolutely out of their minds! I would put my money on them to go all the way because according to one of Sir Isaac Newton’s three laws of motion, a team of seriously hot men in motion tends to stay in motion…I’m not sure but I’m pretty sure that’s the law.
In Celebrity News
- Lots of feuding this week in the celebrity realm. Gwyneth Paltrow and Martha Stewart have been throwing serious digs at each other over their competitive lifestyle magazines. Martha goes, “She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.” And Gwyneth goes, “No one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I’m shocked and devastated. I’ll try to recover. If I’m really honest, I’m so psyched that she sees us as competition. I really am.” Then Martha writes a whole column about “conscious coupling,” as means of knocking Paltrow’s divorce announcement with former husband, Chris Martin. It was ruthless. It’s as if the sun above this coffee shop has ran behind the clouds and cast us all under a brick wall of…shade. Your move, Gwyn.
- In other celebrity feuds, the Instagram world went crazy this week when Snoop Dogg took shots at Iggy Azalea. Like, 100 shots, actually. At first, Snoop compared I-G-G-Y to Marlon Wayans in “White Chicks,” and Iggy compared D-O-Double-G to “your drug addict aunt when she gets clean.” The rest of their exchange is definitely NSFW and I won’t repeat because, I’m a lady (but please, look ’em up.) He later apologized but, come on Snoop, you dirty, dirty man.
- Shonda Rhimes, creator of “Grey’s Anatomy” just bashed Katherine Heigl. YES we all hate her I am SO glad that so many famous people have enough sense to validate our suspicions of her with trash talk.
- Netflix has officially announced that all 236 episodes of “Friends” will be available come January. To that I say, FINALLY!
- Amanda Bynes. Whoa. It’s like, it’s not my place to judge someone with daddy issues? But professing that your father sexually abused you as a child via Twitter, then admitting you lied about said abuse, but it isn’t actually your fault because a microchip in your brain made you say it … it’s all just so alarming that I’m thinking about upping the security system in my house all the way in Wisconsin. I’m scared not just for you, Amanda, but for me. For all of us.
- Penelope Cruz has been crowned as the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire Mag. TOTALLY deserving because she is so sexual and Spanish and you know how I feel about that combination…
- Tswift came out with a new single about Harry Styles entitled, “Out of the Woods.” And it’s exactly what you’d expect in that, I hated it so I accidentally listened to it fourteen times in a row and now I love it.
In the Arts
- “Halloweentown” (!!!) made its first Disney Channel appearance this season on Wednesday and obviously it changed my whole life. It is so empowering and refreshing to see the Kimberly J. Brown with butt chin version of Marnie before they ruined the character with Sarah Paxton in 2006. If you didn’t DVR it, I’m sure they will play it again. But if they don’t, I just don’t see how you could possibly make it through Halloween…
- Steve Carell’s new movie, “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” is out! Which you should probably see because as I always point out, Steve Carell is so weirdly hot that even I don’t understand it. That, and Jennifer Garner is everything I hope to be in a woman so like, respect.
- As per last week’s article, I will only make one political point as to not upset the masses. However, what’s up with Kim Jong Un? Where is he? No seriously where the f*ck is he? Well, I’ll tell you where he is. After forty days, he allegedly made his first public appearance on Monday in Pyongyang, which is weird because um, remember how you’re the leader of a country? You should probably like, be around.
In Health and Wellness
- Nina Pham, nurse to Thomas Duncan has tested positive for Ebola. Stop. I know, this is too much. We’re with you Nina! Just, you know, not actually with you–with you, unless we’re all in hazmat suits.
- I will now have nightmares for the rest of my life, thanks to the story of the couple who found out their four hundred and fifty thousand square ft. mansion was infested with six thousand Brown Recluse Spiders. Sure, they can sue the previous owners, they can chemically gas the house, but they can never eradicate the fear that comes from the memory of living amongst that many poisonous spiders.
- The Denver Police Department has released a statement warning parents to look out for pot-laced candy this Halloween season. What kind of hellish people hand out edible marijuana to children? I feel like this world is lapsing into insanity and I just, I just … *screams at top of lungs*.
Well I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. Being a news anchor is seriously hard work and I’m seriously starving because of it. Starving for a dirty martini and a cute bartender to serve it to me, you know?
Be good until next week. I know that can be hard to do after all of the craziness going on in the world today, but do me a favor and if you feel yourself slipping like any of the aforementioned crazies, listen to “Stronger” by Britney Spears as loud as your stereo will allow and I promise it will cleanse you of your madness. That or I’ll lend you my dog Bindy for the night because she seriously cures all mental unclarity.
Yeah right, I would never do that to her. BESITOS and all my love,