So it’s October second. That means I’m one day late because I had originally planned to blog for an uninterrupted thirty-one days in October, and it also means I’m one day early because I can’t make the Mean Girls joke about it being October third. So basically I’m either going to axe myself entirely or go to Nordstrom to sooth my deep-rooted pain when I’m through with this, I can’t be sure. Anyway, I would like to talk very briefly about Tindering, which yeah, evidently is a thing. If you’re unclear of what “Tinder” is, it’s a dating app where you judge your potential guy or girl based solely on their appearance. You “swipe right” for the people you want to talk to and conversely “swipe left” if you’re uninterested because they’re gross looking. Not like I would EVER be caught dead meeting up with someone on Tinder because simply, scuzz balls live and breathe on Tinder and that is not my place in this life. However, it can be a necessary evil under the following circumstances:
- When drunk and simultaneously pissed at all your friends who “want to leave” because “the bar is lame” and “it smells like ecstasy.”
- When uninterested in the movie your roommate is making you watch, probably because it is too emotionally draining i.e. August: Osage County or A Bug’s Life.
- When you want to fight with someone and no one will fight with you because they’re mature or whatever.
- When you’re so single that it hurts. But warning – it could just be chest pain so like, chill before you download the app.
After I was Tinder shaming for a few weeks, I kept hearing my friends talk about how they found their boyfriends and girlfriends on Tinder and I’m like, good for you (???) but come on. And yeah, mhm, I get it Cosmo, you can totally meet the man of your dreams on Tinder. Hearing all of these things terrified me and then actually caught me off guard. Was I being so close minded and cynical that I would honestly not even give it a try?! A cynic is just not the soul I wish to embody. And from a journalistic perspective, I found myself needing to get the facts for myself. So I relented and downloaded it in the hopes of discovering my true self, my inner confidence, and hopefully a couple of cute Latinos. A week has come and gone and I am no closer to meeting my soul mate than the day I started. Thanks Cosmo, you f*cking liars. But I will totally push through with this throughout October and channel my findings in a new segment I will call: The Wide World of Tinder. No, the Tinder Diaries.–unsure about those names, I’ll figure it out–and report back. After all, I may have a couple (just a couple) of flaws, but I am certainly not a quitter. I’ll leave you with some of my conquests from this week. Or rather, what I’ve seen that has so obviously led to prompt denials across the board. Being open-minded is one thing, but I just can’t with you…and I won’t with you…if I see the following:
A picture of you with a wooden bear.
Quoting “let’s get weird” in your bio.
Sending me: “be real and don’t be scared.”
I’m letting you know right now I have never been this scared in my life and even more terrifying are your frighteningly small teeth.
Trying to convince me you have a sense of humor by saying “I have a sense of humor.”
Having the name “Duane.”
Writing in your bio: “I’m hoping to find someone better than my moldy garbage ho of an ex-girlfriend.”
… Offering me super uncomfortable, albeit generous, sexual favors as your first message.
I would like to (curtsies) politely decline.
Saying you love your golden retriever more than you could ever love me.
You chugging a two foot long beer.
How can I tell you, in a nice way, you aren’t my scene and this “skill” does not impress me?
Having a pic of you kissing the squirrel you just shot.
Having the name Earl.
Being hot but then messaging me “hey” eight times in two days.
You in an Aeropostale shirt.
Are you serious? No.
Is this really what my dating future looks like? Is this the price I have to pay for being twenty-two and single in 2014? I mean, I always thought Tinder was a breeding ground for sex offenders and junior sluts, but what do I know? I’ll try to throw away all of my preconceived notions and give it my best shot.
Are you on Tinder? Are you my stalker and are trying to get within ten miles of me so you can find me on Tinder? Fat chance, Mark Wahlberg in Fear, I am constantly on the run. But if you have any good stories to share please let me know via email or otherwise and I just may feature you on the next stint of The Wide World of Tinder. Ew I hate that, that is definitely not the title. Good luck on your Tindering journeys my single friends, and let me know if you’ve seen the guy with the wooden bear, too.
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