I have been vigilantly hoping, praying, and meditating all day over the premise that you have had a fun and adventurous Halloweekend. If you didn’t, there’s another one approximately 362 days from now so I think you’ll survive until then. But wait, can you honestly BELIEVE how many people you saw from high school that have seriously ballooned out? Maybe it’s easy to conceal CWG Syndrome (College Weight Gain Syndrome) in normal clothes, but I guess it must be hard to hide when you’re literally wearing lingerie to the bar and calling yourself a “bunny”, hey? The whole thing is kind of intense for me.
Nevertheless, November marks a whole new chapter for all of us, signifying renewal and change. The leaves have fallen, our nail colors have gone from pink to nude, retailers have thrown the pumpkins and related gourds into clearance, and Tom Cruise is rumored to be dating Lindsay Lohan. So. Much. Change. It all seems terrifying and crazy–I know–but it can also be really exciting, too!
If, like me, you’re ready to accept the winds of change, I beg that you embrace them and dive into November right along with me! But before we get ahead of ourselves, I feel we must all cleanse our bodies and minds of Halloween entirely and fully prepare for the holiday season ahead. To do this fully, one more thing you can do is follow these steps and don’t miss a single one or else:
- Buy yourself some gorgeous new shoes. It’s kind of unrelated, but I feel like every good emotional cleanse could really benefit from the purchase of a new pair of seasonal wedges.
- Burn your Halloween costume. It probably smells like Fireball and regret anyway. Or worse, the indescribable aroma of “bar scent.” Scust.
- Go through the pictures you captured during the weekend and reminisce over the entire experience: rating everyone’s makeup on a 1-10 scale, admiring how much skill was encapsulated in your Indian Princess look, remembering how skinny your soul felt, and how many god damn people were dressed up as Waldo, etc.
- Immediately after reflecting, take a bath and wash yourself clean of the memories.
- Eat one last piece of Halloween candy (preferably a Reese’s pumpkin) and then give the rest to your coworkers or the homeless. You need it out of sight and STAT.
- Watch Hocus Pocus one last time, but don’t let anyone know you’re doing it. Then take a voice recording of you singing “Come Little Children” and send it to your favorite friend, your least favorite friend, and Sarah Jessica Parker.
- Spend one full day consuming only light blue Gatorade and healthy but constant doses of your essential vitamins. This last weekend has really exhausted your body’s collection of electrolytes and minerals, so it’s crucial that you replenish.
- Now that you’ve purged the past, it’s time to prepare for the future–out with the old and in with the new as they say! So ditch your Pumpkin Spice Lattes and trade in for a nice big round of Peppermint Mochas.
- Bring your Uggs out of hiding and remind them of your unconditional love.
- Today is the day to start making daily phone calls to every member of your immediate family, reminding them not to forget the cranberries at Thanksgiving Dinner. Trust this. They might get super annoyed with you (???) but you will thank me.
- Drive to your nearest Bloomingdales, hold the khaki brown Fur Trim Parka by Burberry tightly in your arms, and then cry because not only is it almost winter and days without the necessity of a winter jacket are fleeting, but because you cannot now–nor will you ever–be able to afford the jacket you are holding. I did this last week in Chicago and now feel much lighter as a result.
- Buy yourself three sets of gloves and do it now. Odds are you are going to lose one glove from all three sets by the end of the winter season, but this should at least hold you over through the month.
- Sit down in a quiet space and choose a November Crush, because you probably chose an awful October Crush being that Mercury was in retrograde almost all of last month. You just need something fresh, I can tell.
- Do not–I repeat–do not start listening to Christmas music or pull out your Christmas DVD’s yet because as I’ve said before, “The Christmas Rule” is that you can’t partake in Christmas activities until after the Pilgrims have hopped on their Mayflower and sailed the f-ck to Plymouth Rock. And this, as you know, isn’t until Thanksgiving. Really, I’m just trying to protect you.
- Vote tomorrow for the midterm elections (and your Wisconsin Governor candidate of choice!!!!!) because obviously, voting is sexy. No really, get informed and cast your VOTE tomorrow baby, because you care about our beautiful country/state and also, I’m pretty sure you don’t want our economy to go down in flames all because you chose to not let your voice be heard.
Just listen to Wilmer, ok?! Can you just do that?!
Then, and only then, will you be unequivocally prepared to move forward in the spiritually fulfilling month that is November. I hope you have an easy time crossing all of these off your list. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it, just like going to get a wax.