Black Friday has come, Cyber Monday has gone, and yet I am absolutely sure that you’re not finished with your Christmas shopping, just like I’m sure that your personal Christmas List is not yet complete. I feel like the practice of detailing out a Christmas List is seriously undervalued, and here’s why.
When I see a list from a family member or bff, I know exactly what it is that will make them happy on Christmas morning. I may judge them by the heinous and fugly five-piece-nail-polish-set they want from Target, but I will not have to question whether or not they will be thrown into a mental orgasm from this gift. It’s truly a win-win for all.
The downside is that making a list forces you to come to terms with how poor you truly are, it’s really a humbling experience. But on the flip side, that’s probably a good thing because I can tell you’re teetering on the brink of narcissism and need to be brought down to a much poorer place.
The point is, making a Christmas List is truly an art. One that I have mastered over the years, so much so that if this were Guitar Hero I would be playing on “Expert” level. You see, you need to come off humble, but aggressive. Sweet, yet desperate. It’s a tight line to walk, but I’m confident that with my help you can do it.
Christmas List Tips
A fail safe for any list, is to start out by telling said family member/boyfriend/not-boyfriend-but-you-love-kiss-him-sometimes/neighbor/your liquor store cashier/bff, that you reincarnated Amy Grant this year and absolutely don’t want any gifts. “Gosh, why?” They will ask. “Well,” you’ll say, “This year I’ve made a ‘Grown Up Christmas List,’ and want people to spend their time wishing that no more lives are torn apart, that wars will never start, that time will heal all hearts, instead of buying me that Chanel clutch I’ve been dying for all year.”
When they say how proud of you they are for being so mature and worldly, but that they would really love to get you a gift anyway because they love you; this is the precise time to pull out your alphabetized, monogrammed, gold encrusted list equipped with detailed pictures, pricing, stores that carry, and order of interest.
Then, make a list entitled “If My Parents Really Loved Me,” filled with your most outlandish gifts. Place approximately 20 of them around the house, but do so casually. Think, in between plates in the cupboard, inside their cereal boxes, bunched up inside one of their shoes, etc. It probably won’t work but it could work, and it’s a shot that I feel you should be willing to take.
Look to my lists for inspiration and if you only take one thing away from this, let it be that you need the ear jackets from Baublebar because, hello??? PS- You can click on each picture for the direct link to every product, which took me an OBSCENE amount of time to do so can you just be grateful please?
“If My Parents Really Loved Me” List
A Small Trip to St. Barths, $notthatexpensive
Hendo Hoverboard, $10,000
Pet Chinese Giant Panda Cub, $Unclear
A Monogrammed KJP Burberry Cape, $1,395
CocoOne Lounge, $”only serious buyers should inquire”
Urban Decay Naked Vault, $280
A Trip to Space on the Virgin Galactic, $220,000
A “One More Thing” List
Fundamental Gift Cards: Sephora, Starbucks, Movies, In’N’Out
Kate Spade Stationery Journal, $24
Joss and Main Rivington Writing Desk in White, $170
Wooden Wick Crackling Candles, $18
Monogrammed mug via Anthropologie, $8
Polka Dot Infinity Scarf a la Nordstrom, $20
FujiFulm Instant Smartphone Printer, $199
Clarisonic Mia Sonic Cleansing System, $99
University of Louisville Sweatpants Set, $39
Tarte Amazonian Clay Full Coverage with Foundation Brush, $39
NFL Game Tickets, $Depends, Dad. 😉
Argyll Poncho Cape by Zara, $99
MARIPOSA EAR JACKETS Mariposa Ear Jackets, $32
Josie Maran Argan Oil Super-size 19oz Whipped Body Butter, $52
Beats by Dre Headphones in White, $169
W Cape Coat, $39
Philosophy Squishy Red Fishy $Priceless
Stargirl Ear Adornment Set Baublebar, $38
In Vogue Hardcover, $51
By doing this, and doing it thoroughly, you will actually get what you want this year instead of a disgusting set of perfume or cologne that is too sweet for you and you will hate. Plus your relatives will thank you because a list will make their lives simpler. Trust.
Keep in mind, these are just my “would be” lists, since I absolutely don’t want any gifts at all this year. Instead, all I desire is the love of my closest friends and family. In turn, I will share that love within my community in the hopes that every one will have a friend, and right will always win, and love will never end. That is my Grown Up Christmas List …
But like, if you are just in hopeless, desperate need to buy me something, I will accept your gift … out of charity.