I’ll start out by saying, I literally have no idea how to react to people who say they don’t celebrate the coming of St. Nick. Why have stockings? Why decorate at all? Why exist?
For those of you who aren’t filled with the Christmas Spirit enough to know, St. Nicholas comes tonight! So make sure you hang your stocking above the fireplace in the hopes that St. Nick will come with little candies, CDs, makeup, warm fuzzy socks, or new boots if you’re lucky. *Wink*
I was going to write a list of some great and easy ideas to put in your loved one’s stockings this year but I’ve decided to go in a different direction, because if you go to Target I’m sure you can figure it out. Just don’t spend too much money because you still have Christmas, ok? Instead, I want to tell you the one single thing you shouldn’t get them for St. Nick because it is life ruining. Do not under any circumstances EVER give them even a handful, a jar full, a stocking full of …
F-cking lumps of coal.
Have you ever been thrown into the fits of depression in just a matter of seconds? Did you ever have like, the closest friend ever growing up? And then made to feel like your childhood bestie actually hated you and you were never actually friends at all? Well these feelings directly reflect the time my mom and dad decided to give me coal for St. Nick.
Picture it. A little chubby cheeked Kiley springing up from bed in a matching pajama set, gleeful and filled with all-encompassing joy and excitement while running down the stairs to our family fire-place. I could not wait to open up my huge green stocking with “Kiley Jo” embroidered down the side. Only to find out that my BFF hated me because he had, evidently, placed me on the Naughty List and said “fuck you kindly” by placing lumps of Kingston coal in my stocking.
WTF mom. What an honest to God bitchy thing to do. I thought Santa, Rudolph, the entire North Pole hated me and naturally, I went ballistic. What did I even do, Mom and Dad, to deserve that?! I’m in mourning just recalling all of this.
They should have been jailed immediately. They weren’t of course, and I’ve since forgiven them. But I am now an advocate for this cause, and I’m going to give you a vigorous truth about the very flawed Christmas policy of giving coal to your child that has been sassy, and that is that you are directly causing them years of heart ache and trauma and Jesus, it’s just not worth it. I think it would be best for you and all of your loved ones if you maybe, I don’t know, get them gum if you find that your heart is so cold. But for Heaven’s sake, not coal.
Unless it’s this kind of coal. In which case, I’ll take 20.