“If you’re sick you shouldn’t be sad, because sad spelled backwards is das and das not gud.” – Confucius
December may, in fact, be the busiest month of the year for every single person on planet Earth. We have dinners, dates, holiday get togethers, nights catching up with friends or family. It’s hectic.
And when you stretch your body and mind to their physical limits by keeping a packed calendar, your immune system says, “Hey, can you not?” and throws you the curve ball of a winter cold.
Being social is the pinnacle of my existence, hence my packed planner full of fun winter festivities. So if for one whole weekend I am completely out of commission–missing my monthly bowling league, a friend’s going away party, and a family birthday party (with bbq ribs, umm)–you know that I very well may be on the brink of death. I mean, last night I was even too sick to blog, can you believe?
And karmically speaking, I don’t even deserve to be sick. I’ve been a saint this year, so why Santa/God has bestowed this karmic shift upon my life is beyond me and it’s beyond rude.
If this is you, and it’s me, I have a few solutions. Use them as one more thing that you can apply to your own life to get you through your winter cold this holiday season! And oh, if you have any suggestions let me know and do it promptly please, because I’m NOT SPENDING ANOTHER WEEKEND IN BED, EVER. Deep breath. Inhale zen. Exhale phlegm. Repeat.
First, accept the fact that you’re sick. Don’t try to “walk it off” like I attempted to do, continually going out like nothing is wrong. Something is wrong–it’s called, your body. And it’s begging to be taken care of. You’ll want to trade in your dirty martini for a bottle of Robitussin. Or NyQuil. Oh my God, NyQuil, for sure.
Next, you’ll want to make a list and go to the store. Pick up a cotton jumpsuit, Watermelon Sour Patch Kids, Edy’s Frozen Fruit Bars in lime, a few vanilla based Woodwick candles, and a heated duvet to ensure you will stay home instead of being beer pressured by all of your friends.
Open your laptop immediately and online shop. Order a new winter coat. Why? Because maybe your lacking of one is the reason you’re sick in the first place. God, get a clue. And get a clue in the form of a red peacoat because holy shit there are so many gorgeous ones this season.
Once you’re settled and you’ve taken a Mucinex tablet, pop in your collection of Twilight DVD’s consecutively. Or rent them all on DVR, don’t be cheap. Movie marathons that are not of the Harry Potter variety are usually questionable, but Twilight is a marathon worth having for all, especially because Edward’s transformation is seriously surreal. Sex-u-al.
Then, watch the biology scene in slow motion. Moment of silence for Robert Pattinson’s cheekbones.
Call a hot guy for literally any reason, because if you’re really sick, your voice is a little deeper, raspier … sexier than normal. You won’t sound like a four-year old pixie girl and instead, some kind of power vixen. It’ll be hot. Honest. Note: this is only applicable until day three of your cold, when your voice will sound like you live and breathe on the floor of a swamp, so take advantage while you can.
Day 3 of this cold is the actual worst. You turn into this scary version of yourself you’ve never seen before. You become super needy and crave so much attention, only to be asked, “Umm you’re really being annoying, can you go to bed?” So hurtful. So rude.
You’ll inevitably have to text all of your friends and demand they tell you they love you.
Then play Home Alone nine times on a loop, followed by the tremendous gift of Home Alone 2.
Remember to always remind yourself of the positives. At least you’re sick now and not on Christmas Day. At least you’re surrounded by people who love you. At least you’re not a little Macaulay Culkin, left “home alone” by your family because they hopped a plane to Paris without you, screwing you into dealing with the attempted robbery and attack of your home by the Sticky/Wet Bandits, and ultimately forcing you to save the day and everything you hold dear with a slew of booby traps …
I mean, at least you’re not Macaulay Culkin in general.
Find a good soundtrack to lull yourself to sleep. Might I suggest sticking to theme with the Twilight soundtrack, because it’s so so good and totally worthy of a pre-slumber song party. Flightless Bird, American Mouth? Hello? Amazing. Or stick to your Christmas CD’s of choice: Brickman, Bublé, Sinatra, Grant. Any of those will do.
Last but not least, drink approximately three gallons of water in between each step, and alternate between DayQuil, Mucinex, and NyQuil until you are back to speed. No seriously. And you NEED sleep. If your friends are so rude as to Snapchat you pictures of them taking shots like mine did last night, FaceTime their party and take a single shot with them. Who knows, if it’s a strong enough tequila it could really do wonders on your sinuses.
Most importantly, feel better. Take the time to love your body because it needs you right now. And like, chill. “Chilling” is a really hard thing for me to do, but sometimes you have to force yourself. Think, Edward chilling (pun intended) in his room listening to Debussy. Or Jacob chilling out and dreaming of Bella. That needs to be you. Now. Pronto. Or else. Ok? Bye.