Ah, television. Remember what it was like, having the time to take part in our television obsessed society? I’ll tell you, graduate life has become a real bitch when it comes to my once freely allocated time. This “free time,” which consisted of both expressing my internal struggles and prolific world knowledge through writing and watching full seasons of Girls on a loop, really got shafted when my brain decided to use all of that time forgoing the path down Anxiety Lane, courtesy of my student loans and car payments. (Note: I don’t actually *have* a car payment, but the thought of having one keeps me up at night.)
Society tells us twenty somethings that if we have the time to watch TV, we’re not doing what we’re supposed to be doing—fueling our futures through more schooling, more work, or worse—exercise and the overall betterment of our bodies. Yuck.
Well I’ve decided that I will take this no longer, and neither should you. Television is a right that we all as citizens of the world deserve. But there’s so much to watch, what will you choose? Let me help.
My intellectual side tells me to tell you that if you are in the market for network television that is stimulating in the most brilliant and pivotal ways, the only choice you have is to watch the previous twelve American presidential debates because this Trump thing is getting out of hand.
However, my fun side tells me to tell you that if you are in the market for network television that is stimulating in the most brilliant and pivotal ways, I can offer a much better alternative. What is that, you say? You think you know the answer based on the title of this post? Well I’ll tell you you’re absolutely right. One, Scream Queens, is your answer.
In short, Scream Queens is centered on the foundation of a group of rich, American sorority sisters, whose “Kappa Kappa Tau” letters embody a mysteriously dark past. Ooo, chilling. The girls, consequently, are plucked off one by one by a serial killer who carries a red devil mask and a taste for revenge. I’m not sure if I’m doing the plot justice by telling you only that? But you get the gist.
In an attempt to provide an equal argument as to why Scream Queens is absolutely everything that has ever existed, I will supply you with an equal ten point pro/con list:
- Chanel Oberlin’s writers are an absolute delight. I laugh and laugh, not because a scene is inherently funny, but because someone was so creative as to think out the following passage in the writers room:
“I don’t entirely know what you whores could have been doing that was more important than helping your chapter president drown a serial killer? But unless that thing you were doing was getting enemas of pure, liquid gold at a new local establishment called ‘Liquid Gold Colonics For Young Sluts’; like if you were doing *literally* anything else, you should all seriously do the human race a favor and get sterilized.”
So, Emma Roberts, you’re good. But your writers are better. And always stay blonde. It. Is. Stunning. On. You.
- Niecy Nash and her big mouth are unparalleled, her comeback to television vital. If you remember the show she hosted on TLC, Clean House, you’ll obviously agree.
- Chad Michael Murray makes an appearance in one episode, but more importantly is the appearance of his super sexual five o’clock shadow, which is way more impressive than I ever remembered it to be in One Tree Hill.
- Glen Powell and Lea Michele are great in the show, just not great enough to get their own individual bullet point. Still, it is worth noting how great it is to see Lea finally outside the world of Glee.
- When my friend and I were binge watching one night, our boyfriends walked in the room and said an almost simultaneous, “What the hell is this?” To which we squealed, “Scream Queens (!!!) Are you guys serious?!” and they both left us alone the rest of the night. The show is basically man repellent, and that can be used to every girl’s advantage during the essentiality of a night alone.
- Jamie Lee Curtis. Mic drop.
- If you are even the slightest bit in touch with the tragedies in recent popular culture such as the Robert Durst murders, Serial’s Adnan Syed in the Best Buy parking lot, OJ Simpson, etc., you will catch hidden jokes that are nuanced throughout the show and will watch in the knowledge that you are smarter than everyone else.
- Nick Jonas as “gay fraternity brother Boone” is fun because he mostly keeps his clothes on, allowing me to pretend he doesn’t have scary giant nipples and still, allows me to appreciate his perfectly sculpted arms.
- The finale is everything I wanted and more. From the beginning, I saw the season ending exactly how the 1985 Clue movie ended. I would imagine each character revealing that they were the killer and then walking us all through their maniacal plan. I’m not saying that happens. And I’m not saying it doesn’t. But I am saying that it was way way way better than I ever expected. Bravo, Ryan Murphy.
- It was just picked up this January for a second season. To which I scream, in a scream queen’s scream, “EEE!”
- Ew. Chanel #2, aka Ariana Grande, is so super annoying to listen to. And I didn’t even mind her until now, as to prove the unbiased-ness of my claim. Her singing voice, while beautiful in the alternative media of radio, is in huge contrast to her talking voice which is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.
Oh wait that’s right; there’s literally no other con besides Ariana Grande because the show in its entirety is exceptional. And, ok, I did leave out of the con list that you’re going to feel bad for Abigail Breslin, who looks physically plumper than all of the other girls by comparison since whoever was in charge of filming clearly disliked her and gave her an actual ton of tragic angles. (See episode “Black Friday” during the stairwell scene after the girls of Kappa Kappa Tau are served a severed, roasted head for Thanksgiving.) Sorry Abigail.
By and large, Scream Queens has an amazing cast, amazing writers, and Ryan Murphy: a lethal combination. The only way it could possibly get any better is if Ryan himself cast me as one of the Chanels. So if you could all go ahead and write to him, demanding that this change be implemented immediately, I would truly, madly, deeply appreciate it.
KP Chanel #7