A gym should be a sanctuary of sweaty bodies, heavy metal, and relatively good morale between all people (but especially between women) as we seek to achieve our steadfast and unique fitness goals.
And I’m happy to say that at my gym, at least, I never hear members describing their peers behind their back using phrases like “complete and total heifer,” “loud mouthed hippo,” and “mindless lard monster,” as was the norm at my gym back in college. This is so super encouraging and progressively forward of my new Milwaukee gym, so I hold it to a pretty high standard–as should anyone who is paying upwards of thirty dollars every month along with two, hundred dollar installments per year for “equipment maintenance.”
Anyway, praise be to acceptance (!!!) and to fostering each other’s progress through positivity! With each passing day, I grow in the confidence that I have finally found my holy place of sweat and serenity.
Except maybe not, because actually gym people are the worst, and the glares of wrath I get for working the NordicTrack FS7i elliptical in a little mascara are without a doubt the most condemnatory and abrasive looks I’ve ever received. It’s honestly bordering on the criminal and I’m thinking about putting in a formal complaint. Until then, I’m here to tell you and all of the ill-mannered girls in my sauna this: I can wear makeup at the gym if I want.
No, I’m not trying to “impress” you, cold hearted stranger. I surprisingly just don’t really care what you think because I’m there to get myself a tight little ass for me and the people I love to stare at occasionally (like I do to my friend, Kait’s.) And I also don’t actually care about your opinion because with all of the dirty looks your dirty face is giving me, you are sure to have far more forehead wrinkles than I could possibly imagine and I feel sorry for you, truly.
Do you think I’m wearing makeup at the gym to pick up guys? UM, I have a boyfriend (said with sarcasm as Jimmy Fallon in his “ew” sketches), and even if I could—I’m not trying to steal yours. I’m coming from work where I need to look like, super professional and cute? So excuse me for not making it a priority to wipe off the carefully sculpted cut-crease eyeshadow look I’ve created while fighting traffic on the way to Body Pump.
But all of this is missing the point. Because if you see someone at the gym wearing makeup who is trying to pick up guys, or someone who probably does care what your gross opinion is … who CARES oh my God. Because it’s seriously none of your business. No one is judging you for that egregious, tacky t-shirt that lets us all know you’re in fact, “Down to Downward Dog.” Well I am now but that’s only because you judged me first.
By and large, if you are a makeup kween at the gym, I fully love and support you as long are you’re not wearing blue mascara or any Lancôme product from their Highbeams collection. And if you are judging other perfectly wonderful strangers at your personal temple of fitness and health, why don’t you take a good look at your backward squat technique, your inner thighs, your hideous soul of judgment and hate, and get back to me when you’ve resolved all of those issues. Until then, I could do without the side-eye and your lime green Lulu Lemon Capri pants from hell.
Also don’t be mad just because my highlighter is Yonce flawless and you’re frightened by it.