How and why is it that each and every year, we take a beautiful country’s sacred religious celebration, turn it into a drinking holiday and capitalize on that holiday by coloring our lives green and mixing everything with Jameson? Because we’re Americans that’s why, and that’s what we do. That makes me sound cynical, maybe I am, but I also really like Jägerbombs, beards, and little hats, so in celebrating I choose to accept it, my conscience is clear.
If you’re like me, you’ve celebrated St. Paddy’s Day a whopping THREE times this year—how absurd. However, that absurdity gives me license to give advice on how to make a full recovery from St. Patrick’s Day if you are in need, and I feel like you are.
Do: Delete all photos of you with chubby “Irish” men and women in green apparel immediately. If it isn’t captured in a picture it never happened, as we’ve all learned this year from Instagram.
Do: Wear something loose without being frumpy and still, bordering on the chic. For today I chose a gray kaftan, unbelted, with black cord leggings and a 600 BC inspired sandal. It’s not my best, but in the words of the greatest He-Queen of our time, Shrek, “It’ll do Donkey, it’ll do.”
Dough’Nut: Listen to your health and fitness group chat when they tell you to stay motivated today. You are a human? And therefore allowed this day to eat and reflect poor choices by saying “yasss” when offered leftover green doughnuts.
Edit: Literally as you’re getting up to grab the last green Danish from the box, your coworker will lean over to you, point at the pastry and say, “Honestly gross. Who would ever in one million years want this disgusting day old doughnut? Although, at this place, you’d be surprised.” And then you will slump back down in your seat, internally mumbling expletives at her even though you should be directing said expletives at yourself. That didn’t happen to me, of course, I’m just saying it will happen to you.
Do: Play the “Don’t Let Your Boss Know You’re Hungover” game, a game that has no winners (though one can try).
Do: Start a nice conversation with someone new over your work instant messenger. See if they’re friendly. See if they’ve celebrated St. Patrick’s Day, too. See if they’ll punch you in the stomach hard enough that you throw up and are forced by management to go home and sleep.
Don’t: Answer the calls or texts of your loved ones until at least 2pm. Until that time, Guinness will still be Irish dancing around your stomach, making you positively hostile and shrew. Think Heat Miser in Ireland, for reference.
Do: Listen to the Baylor V. Yale post-game interview where the reporter asks Baylor how they could possibly be out-rebounded by Yale. It is so funny and will make you forget your alcohol induced fatigue, albeit temporarily. It is important to note that listening to this is only possible if you didn’t forget to bring your head phones to work. See point below.
Don’t: Forget to bring your headphones to work the day after drinking (or any day for that matter) or you will be submitting yourself to a hangover with no chance of hearing March Madness live or Fifth Harmony related relief in the form of the “Work From Home” music video.
Do: Hydrate your body using the following quantity specific techniques. Drink 16.9oz of water, then a cup of coffee, go back to water, one more water, maybe two. Repeat. Use three pumps of lotion every half hour until you start feeling nourished physically, mentally, and spiritually. Splash a saline solution into your eyes because you probably slept in your contacts last night, and even if you didn’t, it will jolt you awake faster than you can say, “Does anybody know if we keep Bailey’s by the coffee machine?”
And in memoriam of my favorite pair of sling back sandals that I had to destroy this morning due to this monster of a woman, mid-fall, dumping her curdled Irish Car Bomb all over my feet, I offer this Irish poem that I have written, myself, in Gaelic:
Más rud é nach tá aon rang
Agus tá tú ag doirteadh do beoir
Is féidir leat do thóin Éireannacha
Ceart an f–k as anseo
Once translated, reads:
If you haven’t any class
And you’re spilling your beer
You can take your Irish ass
Right the f–k out of here.